5 Creepiest gifts for him

Posted by Johan on Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Have you ever wished you could send a man packing with a single gesture? Swipe your credit card and carry home one of these five emotionally arresting gifts, and your man will run for the hills come holiday time. Guaranteed!

Holiday gift guide for him

Forever Lazy Soft Fleece Lounge Wear

Nothing says, "Here's what your future with me looks like, and it ain't pretty" like the aptly named Forever Lazy Lounge Wear. It's the evolution of the Snuggie, really, and that's not necessarily a good thing. A matching set of Forever Lazies is the perfect gift for when you care enough to look your significant other in the eyes and say, "The American dream of building a better life is really hard to achieve right now, so let's say 'screw it' and spend our evenings watching Basketball Wives and eating Domino's Bacon & Jalapeno Stuffed Cheesy Bread®, swaddled in these adult-size footie pajamas. Foreverrrrrrr... "

Pillow Talk

Have you gone on exactly one date with the man you're sure will be your future Ken doll hubby, to love and cherish for the rest of your days? And are you under the impression that that school of thought is totally normal? Well, take out your giant-size Sharpie and check his gift off your list with the soon-to-be-released Pillow Talk gadget, which — when you slip on tiny wedding-band-like sensors — starts to make your pillow glow when you fall asleep and lets you hear each other's heartbeats throughout the night. Just think: He'll open it and immediately visualize your luscious lips saying, "Oh, and honey? Sleep tight — because I'll be watching, waiting and making notes in my teddy bear diary about the exact time you go to sleep every night via this incandescent sci-fi pillow. Night-night!"

Pillsbury Doughboy "Rollin' Out the Holidays" Boxers

Do you love carbs? We mean, really love carbs? Now's your chance to combine your penchant for baked goods with sexytime, and your man will be none the wiser. Well, maybe he might have an inkling that something's not quite right, considering the Pillsbury Doughboy is handing you balls via the front of these shorts. What's that sound? It's your honey quietly packing his things — and these boxers aren't coming with him.

Custom 3D Laser Christmas Crystal

You're obviously the perfect couple. Everyone who sees you knows it. But in case he doesn't, why not etch a portrait of the two of you via laser into a block of glass that he can keep forevermore? Too much? You may want to throttle that idea back a little, because as soon as he lays eyes on this puppy, he'll instantly feel like the evil villain Zod in Superman II, when he and his minions were trapped in that crystal for eternity. Which is to say, this gift will be your guy's Kryptonite. Prepare for him to bolt faster than a speeding bullet.

Reasons I Love You Stones

A man should really have something on him at all times that reminds him of you, right? But a photograph is too... how shall we say? Sane. Enter Reasons I Love You Stones. In no way will these brushed-nickel beans make his manhood look misshapen when he's wearing dress pants, nor will his buddies at the basketball court make never-ending fun of him when one of them slides onto the floor in the midst of a heated game of horse. No, the right way to do this is thrust this red "faux suede" bag into his hand and accuse him of cheating if you ever catch him without one. Sleep with a metal detector if you have to. But all joking aside, the real reason this gift seems a little off is the inscription: "... because I just do!" or "because you rock." Now that's creepy.